I know I can make things way more important to me then they need to be. I dislike bullies, liars and pettiness. I don’t think that I have ever managed to see that kind of stuff and not say something about it, which usually gets me targetted by the people who live that way because it makes me a threat. Someone who doesn’t stand for it and will say so is, in my experience, gotten rid of, lest the power the petty people have is threatened by the example of the person who refuses to tow their line.
I’ve had a really hard year plus with jobs. I left one where I was being bullied, after 4 years. I didn’t start being bullied there until the last year and I’d had it when I quit. I fought with them to get my separation papers and I was a mess of anxiety and self doubt when I took the next job.
I was doing a vlog today. I’m interested in getting more into social media and I have no aspirations to be famous or make money but I like the idea of talking to someone(s) as I currenlty don’t have people to talk to regularly. I don’t think it’s unusual for people to walk around talking to themselves anymore. Most people just think that you are on the phone. But I like the idea of being heard. Of people connecting with what I have to say and gaining insight or feeling less alone/better about themselves.
That doesn’t mean that I will ever put these things online, but I’m toying with the idea and now I have the time. I got firedy Friday. My boss, who hasn’t spoken to me at length or been able to look me in the eyes in months, up and told me he was letting me go and I should get my stuff and leave at 3 pm. He didn’t say why, and honestly I was kind of expecting it because the place is just not a functional workplace and he refuses to acknowledge or address it.
I know I have blame in this too. I made mistakes. I didn’t take that job when I was t my best; having just come out of an abusive and toxic workplace I could see the signs right away that this place we pretty much the same kind of place. I mean it didn’t take more then 20 minutes to determine that the office has a new assistant every 4 months, and has for at least the last 3 years. They either get fired or leave and I had little hope of this turning around when after over 2 weeks of being bashed and snarked at for every little thing that went wrong, my issue or not, I wrote a letter outlining how I felt at the office. Why did I do that?
The thing for me, about how I see the world through my lense of abuse, is that I am probably my own worst enemy. I don’t have typical reactions to things because I was trained not to react, especially negatively.
Over the years I have learned how to cry again, how to be in the moment and feel the feelings and move on. That doesn’t mean that I don’t dwell. That I don’t blame myself or kick my own ass.
I tear myself up and down just fine. But that’s in private, in my head. Outwardly I am apethetic and disengaged. That just causes more problems. When I don’t care I stop trying. It fucks up my work, then Ifwel bad, stress out and it just cycles.
I am having a hard time learning how to manage my hurt and anger at situations (real or imagined) and not sliding into a mode where I disengage from participating. That leads to not talking to people, and it also leads to lazy mistakes at work.
I know that I am better than my mistakes, but I make them over and again because I am pretty constantly feeling people are disappointed in me and I am disappointed in myself. It’s not exactly working itself out and now that I have been able to see it, name it, well how do I avoid it?
I’m really unsure of how I will get out of this, or how I will change this behaviour. Aside from making me feel badly about myself and my capabilities it’s not going to get me ahead. No one wants an inconsistent worker.
I used to be able to give my all, no matter what, in school. But there was a payoff there, you got grades and that had meaning. At work you don’t really get graded. If you’re not too awful but not too great you can be there forever. You won’t advance though, you won’t get opportunities that you want.
I feel better writing this all down. I don’t have people to talk to. I don’t have anyone who can help or who understands, but I am word driven. When I write it I learn better, I hold onto concepts with greater ease. And they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem.
So aside from shutting down and fucking things up, what’s my problem? Years of being told that I am not good enough, a Shitty person and bla blah blah. A cyclical bad self image and confidence problem that I have not been able to conquer in all this time.
I know that I need help with this but all I have is my writing, so we will see how it goes.
It’s my intention this year is to get a good, stable job with benefits and decent people. It wouldn’t seem that hard but I am not successful in achieving this so far.
Maybe it’s the line of work or the fact I am going from small business to small business; ethier way Iam looking for a new job.
I’m trying to work up my motivation. Last year really broke me down and I am feeling totally burnt out on this and most other fronts. I made a mistake taking this job and I knew it. All I can do is try to get out of here and into a better place.
I am positive that I am not going to be working here much longer and I have a good feeling that I am on track to get a better job for me. One where I can learn and grow. I haven’t had that so far and I’m not sure if I will have that in this line of work.
In the meantime I am working my way up to applying for anything and everything I am remotely interested in and qualified for. I am applying with the confidence of a mediocre white dude, which is a meme and a trend and I am giving it a shot.
Wish me luck.
See the terrible truth that no one wants to tell you is that when you’re treated poorly all the time, for so long, you start to see yourself as bad. You stop thinking of yourself as a person and find sub category to shuffle yourself off into.
I think it’s part of justifying what’s done to you, to make it make sense and be less hurtful and damaging. Only you are damaged. In my case I don’t take care of myself. I will get up, eat and go to work but I have to to live. I don’t brush my teeth, eat properly or nutritiously and I avoid bathing because I don’t eant to get wet. Literally. I find myselfthinking that whenever I think I need a shower or should take a bath.
Don’t get me wrong, I love warm water. I love showers and baths. I will avoid taking them though, becasue taking care of myself is a non priority and seriously I often don’t want to be bothered. It takes so much energy to get ready and be presentable enough to get through the day, the extra bits like makeup, hygeine beyond deoderant and lean underwear is just too much work.
I skip it. I skip it a lot. I have to make plans with myself to do the teeth brushing and showering. And the worst part is I’m good at not doing it. People who see me a lot don’t notice. I haven’t asked, they’ve told me this when we talk about how I cope with my depression and all I hear is “No way!” “You’re lying.” :You never smell.”
I keep my house clean enough, I keep myself clean enough and I guess I have everyone fooled. But I don’t want to.
I want to have friends who know me well enough to care and notice when I go a week and a half without a wash. I want someone to care. And as far as I can tell no one really does, They don’t know me and they don’t try. They don’t listen when I talk to them and even when they do they often turn away from me becasuse they don’t want to be friends with someone who needs a little extra because they want to be the one who needs alittle extra and giving it back doesn’t matter to them.
I find I always get a lot more down and feeling ignores and unimportant when I am PMSing. It’s been a shitty year and I feel like I’ve been losing friends far too fast. People ask me how I put up with how so and so acts. The answer is that I need to be understanding of others if I expect them to be understanding of me. I may never get over feeling abandonned by the people I choose to trust when I need them. But I’m trying.
My life is basically made up of a laundry list of statistics. I’ve been beaten, raped, molested, assaulted and abused. My parents were alcoholics and generally seemed disinterested in me. I was ignored. I was left to fend for myself, to parent my parents and figure out how not to be a victim when I wasn’t raised to take care of or defend myself against people who would hurt me or at the very least take advantage of me.
I learned that I love means that I will hurt you in every way possible. Everything you say and do can be used against you regardless of when it happened or whether it was a positive event at the time. All things that happen can be twisted to be used to degrade, humiliate and torture you. And they will be.
I grew up knowing that everything
that happened was my fault. I would be blamed for everything and
anything, because there had to be someone to blame. I took the hit, the
verbal abuse or what ever came my way because anyone else had a bad day.
I knew the best way to have a good day was for absolutely nothing to
happen. No one saw me, heard me or noticed me and if that happened I was
safe, secure and unbothered for a day or two.
It never lasted long. I could count on that. I grew up though. Despite my father telling me from a young age that he would kill me at 18. That I would never get away from him. That I was not going to ever find anyone good enough for me. He would make certain of that. My father once told me that he didn’t care if I hated him, that was just fine by him. He insisted that he would disown me if I became an ‘artist’ but I would have to visit my mother or there would be hell to pay.
I grew up knowing that love was indifferent. Love meant that you got beat for not having your hands on the table, or because the sun was shining, or you looked at someone the wrong way. I learned that it was good to be smart, but not to ask questions. Asking questions upset the status quo and only got you hit. And anything could be used to hit you, even the pointy end of the clothes iron. My dad firmly believed that if he didn’t want to get up to hit you, throwing something was perfectly acceptable and I learned not to move, not to duck, or raise my hands or hit the object away. Doing that only made it worse because then he would get up and hit you.