I was doing a vlog today. I’m interested in getting more into social media and I have no aspirations to be famous or make money but I like the idea of talking to someone(s) as I currenlty don’t have people to talk to regularly. I don’t think it’s unusual for people to walk around talking to themselves anymore. Most people just think that you are on the phone. But I like the idea of being heard. Of people connecting with what I have to say and gaining insight or feeling less alone/better about themselves.

That doesn’t mean that I will ever put these things online, but I’m toying with the idea and now I have the time. I got firedy Friday. My boss, who hasn’t spoken to me at length or been able to look me in the eyes in months, up and told me he was letting me go and I should get my stuff and leave at 3 pm. He didn’t say why, and honestly I was kind of expecting it because the place is just not a functional workplace and he refuses to acknowledge or address it.

I know I have blame in this too. I made mistakes. I didn’t take that job when I was t my best; having just come out of an abusive and toxic workplace I could see the signs right away that this place we pretty much the same kind of place. I mean it didn’t take more then 20 minutes to determine that the office has a new assistant every 4 months, and has for at least the last 3 years. They either get fired or leave and I had little hope of this turning around when after over 2 weeks of being bashed and snarked at for every little thing that went wrong, my issue or not, I wrote a letter outlining how I felt at the office. Why did I do that?

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The thing for me, about how I see the world through my lense of abuse, is that I am probably my own worst enemy. I don’t have typical reactions to things because I was trained not to react, especially negatively.

Over the years I have learned how to cry again, how to be in the moment and feel the feelings and move on. That doesn’t mean that I don’t dwell. That I don’t blame myself or kick my own ass.

I tear myself up and down just fine. But that’s in private, in my head. Outwardly I am apethetic and disengaged. That just causes more problems. When I don’t care I stop trying. It fucks up my work, then Ifwel bad, stress out and it just cycles.

I am having a hard time learning how to manage my hurt and anger at situations (real or imagined) and not sliding into a mode where I disengage from participating. That leads to not talking to people, and it also leads to lazy mistakes at work.

I know that I am better than my mistakes, but I make them over and again because I am pretty constantly feeling people are disappointed in me and I am disappointed in myself. It’s not exactly working itself out and now that I have been able to see it, name it, well how do I avoid it?

I’m really unsure of how I will get out of this, or how I will change this behaviour. Aside from making me feel badly about myself and my capabilities it’s not going to get me ahead. No one wants an inconsistent worker.

I used to be able to give my all, no matter what, in school. But there was a payoff there, you got grades and that had meaning. At work you don’t really get graded. If you’re not too awful but not too great you can be there forever. You won’t advance though, you won’t get opportunities that you want.

I feel better writing this all down. I don’t have people to talk to. I don’t have anyone who can help or who understands, but I am word driven. When I write it I learn better, I hold onto concepts with greater ease. And they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem.

So aside from shutting down and fucking things up, what’s my problem? Years of being told that I am not good enough, a Shitty person and bla blah blah. A cyclical bad self image and confidence problem that I have not been able to conquer in all this time.

I know that I need help with this but all I have is my writing, so we will see how it goes.

It’s my intention this year is to get a good, stable job with benefits and decent people. It wouldn’t seem that hard but I am not successful in achieving this so far.

Maybe it’s the line of work or the fact I am going from small business to small business; ethier way Iam looking for a new job.

I’m trying to work up my motivation. Last year really broke me down and I am feeling totally burnt out on this and most other fronts. I made a mistake taking this job and I knew it. All I can do is try to get out of here and into a better place.

I am positive that I am not going to be working here much longer and I have a good feeling that I am on track to get a better job for me. One where I can learn and grow. I haven’t had that so far and I’m not sure if I will have that in this line of work.

In the meantime I am working my way up to applying for anything and everything I am remotely interested in and qualified for. I am applying with the confidence of a mediocre white dude, which is a meme and a trend and I am giving it a shot.

Wish me luck.